My Battles

For so long in my life I have been carrying a burden that I have talked about with very few. I have been so fearful of opening up about it because of the thoughts that other people will have about me, the fear of being seen as weak, the fear of being looked at as different. But I am done living in fear and I know I am not alone in my struggles. I know I need to share my story, so others know it is okay to open up about their own struggles. So here it is. This is my story on my battles with depression and anxiety.

            I was a four-year basketball player at the University of Pikeville. When you saw me on campus you probably saw just another basketball player. You probably saw a good student with a good GPA. You may have seen someone that looked like he had it all figured out. What you didn’t see was all the pain I was facing on the inside. I had to put on a constant smile, when I knew deep down, I was not happy. The year before I got to UPIKE was one of the roughest of my life. When I graduated high school, I did not know what I wanted to do. I did not think I was good enough for college. I was not a good student in high school and did not believe that I could succeed. I went to school anyway because all my friends did. I ended up at a college that was not for me and it was some of the most miserable months of my life. I was so lost; I was so afraid to be a failure and I was not motivated to do anything. I was in so much pain and nobody knew. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. It was a struggle just to get out of bed. I knew I had it better then a lot of people in life and yet I still could not shake the sadness and on top of that I felt guilty for the way I was feeling. It was hard for me to even want to be alive.

            After my first semester at I knew I needed a change. I chose UPIKE because I had the opportunity to play basketball. Sports was always something that helped me cope with the pain and hopelessness. I have met some of the greatest people I will ever meet and have friends that I will keep forever yet for some reason I couldn’t find my happiness. It is so hard to hide your pain from people every day. I think the hardest part of about being a student-athlete is the image people create of you. They expect you to be mentally tough enough to handle all your schoolwork, handle workouts, handle practice, and handle going to perform in a game. I was doing all this while I was barely motivated to get out of bed. I had days here I had to walk into practice acting like I was fine when the whole time I wanted to break down and give up. I got hurt my senior year and it took more of a toll on me mentally then physically. I was hurt but I would not let my teammates know. I would not let my coaches know.

            I had days where I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by friends. I had days where I couldn’t even tell myself why I was upset. I had countless nights of crying myself to sleep. I had countless nights of going for a drive by myself because I did not want the people around me to see my pain. I had times I pushed away the people that meant the most because I felt like I was not good enough and I was a burden on their life. All while hoping they pull me in closer, but how could they when I was hiding the truth.  I have had countless times of getting defensive because someone is calling me out on my mood and I do not know how to stop the pain. I have times where I blame myself for everything and feel like I’m drowning myself in guilt. I had nights where I could not sleep and melted in my own thoughts. I have made decisions through my pain that I regret and make the pain worse. I’ve hurt the people I care about the most  because I am trying to stop my own pain. Pushing away joy because you don’t believe it is for you.  All of this while trying to be the best student and athlete I can be. Its tough, its not easy, and it does not make me weak to admit my struggle.

            When I graduated from school, I was first relieved and proud that I had made it through everything and still graduated. Next thing I knew I was in a really dark place. I was lost. I did not know what was next for my future. I did not have a job and did not have a clue what I was going to do. My anxiety took over. I started over thinking. I started to feel like I was not good enough for anybody around me. I did not want to tell them about the pain I was in. I did not want to tell them how lost I was. I spent every night sleepless, overthinking everything about my life and future. I wondered if I was good enough to get a job. I wondered if I was good enough to be loved now that I don’t have direction. I wondered if I was still looked at the same by the people around me now that I was out of school and jobless. I felt worthless. My anxiety would get so bad I would have chest pains before bed. I had nights where all I could do was cry because I did not know how to make it all stop. It got to the point where I did not have the motivation to get out of bed, much less leave the house. I did not want to face the outside world. And that made things so much worse. Depression cripples you. I knew I needed to take action but mentally and physically could not. Not because I am lazy but because I was hurting. I knew there were people in the same or worse situations and that guilt made everything seem so much worse. It got to the point where I felt like living wasn’t even my best option. I did not want to keep living with the pain. Its exhausting, constantly fighting the same battle over and over with no end in sight. I caught myself thinking I would not be mad if God came and took me away because at least the pain would stop. Why continue to live in pain when I can make it all stop? But, thankfully I did not let that thought over run me.

            I wanted to reach out and ask for help but I could not. I was fearful of what people would think. I was fearful people would not care. I was fearful my coaches would think I am mentally weak. I was fearful my teammates would look at me different. I was fearful to tell the people I love because I did not want to drag them down. I was fearful my friends would treat me different. I was fearful people would start feeling bad for me when that is not what I wanted. But I am done living in fear. I know a lot of people out there are going through the same thing and are fearful to ask for help but I am telling you from personal experience that it is okay. You are not weak. You are strong for having the courage to keep fighting. You are strong for not giving up. And you are strong for facing your fears. I am a Man, I am a student, I am an athlete and I suffer from mental health issues. I know many others do too. I challenge you to reach out and share you story so we can change the narrative and people can begin to feel better and so they do not feel alone.

There is strength in sharing your story and we can all stand stronger together.

Brady Schmidt